Journal | thankful, grateful, blessed

I don't think I've ever been at a point in life before where my blessings were as obvious as they are to me now.

I've always been able to look around and count them off:

--roof over my head
--food to eat
--family to love
--friends who care

Going through the motions, taking that one day a year to pause and dwell briefly on the "little things" I guiltily was aware that I took for granted... but didn't everybody? And we did our part to stop and allow ourselves guilt about it for that one designated moment on that one designated day. Then we had been humbled adequately, and life went on.

But when your whole life gets turned up-side-down and shaken... things do change.
There came an actual point in time where I very well was not guaranteed the "little things" (that are actually huge things). There was a point where everything got questioned.

--home
--security
--family to love me
--friends who cared

And all that was certain was God.
I am so grateful for His help, for protecting me-- and my family-- through so many circumstances. From age 0 to age 18, He's never failed. And I'm still here! Praise God.

In addition to the little-huge things, there are blessings beyond the necessities-- He got me my GED and guided me through the SATs... He's provided me with the ability to go to college-- at no cost to me. He gave me the most amazing job this past summer where I met people and did things that I know have impacted my life forever, (and things just fell directly into place for all of that, when the process of meeting requirements looked so complicated!) He helped me pass the road test, gave me my license-- He even gave me a car! Family closer than ever, friends that I can trust with my life, a blessed relationship, my HOME, and always His peace, His guidance, and His protection.

I could go on forever.

But Lord?

You also give me the sunrise. You give me the full moon in October.
The birds that sing in the morning, the woods to walk through, the stream that babbles.
The leaves that turn colors, the frost that beautifies the window glass, the fog that blankets the morning air.

The work to do that keeps the home cozy and clean, the wood that heats our water, the cows to milk that sustain us. The young chickens that lay eggs in abundance, the kittens to snuggle.

The dishes because it means we have food, the laundry because it means we have clothes to wear, the clutter because it means we have even more than we need.

I'm grateful for the hard lessons.
The difficult times because they make me appreciate the good ones.
The truths that I might not want to hear sometimes, but definitely need to. I'm thankful for those who have the courage to speak them, who care enough to put my spiritual well-being above my comfort.

I'm thankful for being able to see when I mess up, to be able to identify when I'm doing something wrong or even thinking with a wrong perspective-- and also for those who help me see when I just don't. I'm so thankful for new mercies each day, and for the constant offer of grace, the opportunity at any given moment to change for the better and to grow.

I'm thankful for hindsight. Being able to look back and be in awe of all that's come to pass, and all I've miraculously been carried through. Seeing how much I've changed, and those around me have changed. And it reinforces my trust in God, knowing that there is more to come, that it is worth it, and that it will be more than alright with Him leading.

Change hurts sometimes. But strangely, I love changing.
Because I Love Him, and His ways are higher than mine.

Lord, the two little words sound so inadequate... but Thank You.
Help me to live a life of thankfulness, help me to keep the right perspective, to breathe gratitude, and to give away what You have given me. How amazing that this is one of the only things You have asked of me!

Help me to be appreciative-- I know I fail.
But I know how BEAUTIFUL life suddenly becomes when someone is living with a heart that is simply in awe of Your wonders and overwhelmed with gratitude. I want to live like that.

You are Awesome. So Awesome.

(And also... thank you for coffee. )

How to Blog (the right way)

Spoiler alert! -- there is no right way.

And I'll let you in on a small secret: (I have no idea what I'm doing.) 

It's really hard for me, because I've have all of these plans, all of these ideas in my head of how things should go, what I want to make happen, and when I want it done.

I've written before about how God gave me this inspiration, and I've also written about letting Him lead. Every time I sit down and open up Blogger, I make myself surrender it.

Because I want everything I say to be led by Him. I want everything I write to be approved by Him. I don't want to post anything that is solely my own... because it's junk.

Goodness! I have so many topics I've wanted to cover. Even the fact that this is a Relationship blog bugs me, because more than anything else so far, I haven't been writing much at all about relationships, but about self and the personal commitment of following after God. Because that's what's been put on my heart. It's taking a lot of trust and a lot of patience for me to do this and not forge ahead with my own ideas. But I know it's going to be worth it... because it already has been!

What I've seen happening through my blog reminds me of that Emily Dickinson poem, If I can stop one heart from breaking... though at a slightly less drastic level. Every single time I get feedback from anyone in a comment, or see activity on one of my posts through sharing on social media, I'm flooded with gratitude. Thank You, God!  Because if what He allows me to write can help even one person, none of this is in vain.

It just makes me SO GLAD to see people being able to relate, gleaning encouragement, or giving me a kind word of reassurance, too. You're all proof to me that I'm supposed to be doing this, and I can't say thank you enough.

In regards to blogging and the various technicalities, I'm learning how to improve and personalize everything, little by little. There is a lot to learn!

(Notice the new blog look? :D Let me know what you think, honestly.)

---

So...

How to blog-- the right way?

Well, for me, that means giving it to God. Then blindly letting things unfold. *gulp*

At any rate, I'm going to write to you all about 4 key points of my blogging life. Everyone has their own unique quirks and strategies.

As I said, there really is no right or wrong way, there is simply what has been proven effective to draw audiences across cyberspace, for those who make a living through their website. As for me, my path has proven to be most unconventional. But it shows promise, and I'll see where it goes.  :)

Where...?

Anywhere and everywhere. I'm a weird person: my most whirlwind inspiration moments come to me while milking the cows. I'll blog in my bedroom, at the kitchen table, in the barn, in the college library, or up in the woods. Internet connection or no internet connection. (I'll tell you how I do that, below.) Really, it's anywhere that I'm inspired or an idea hits me.

When...?

Most people will say set goals and be consistent, and yeah, I really wanted to be able to do that. In the beginning. But I've come to know I need to wait for the leading. If the trend so far is any sort of indicator, I post once a week (or 3/4 times a month). But that's subject to change, either by increase or by decrease. Usually I'll have a post in the works for quite a while. I write a little, leave it. Come back and edit, write more, leave it again. Sometimes I get on a role and finish it up. Then it gets published. I'm working on my blog behind the scenes most every day, it's just that things take time. And that's more than okay!

How...?

Either I'm using my father's laptop (because I'm in the process of replacing my Dell that's giving up on life), or I'm "blogging" in a notebook. Yep, I've got a leather journal dedicated to Project Patience. I can write my rough drafts, brainstorms and notes, or even just pour out some journal entries, and sometimes those evolve into posts, or spur the topics for them. While spending time in the Word, themes will stick out at me, and even some schoolwork assignments have been the inspiration for posts. As a general rule, live life, and life will present you with tons of writing material. :P

Why...?

Because you've got an awful lot to offer.
I blog because I'm being led to. Because I have a story to tell, and to each chapter there is an appointed time in which to tell it. The same goes for you. You have a story to tell, so why not blog?
Above all, remember: the point of telling your story is to Glorify God. To show how He's fulfilling His promises, to rejoice in all the amazing and often unexpected ways He reveals His plan. He is doing great things, every moment. In all of our individual lives, at our own rates, we are living and learning. There's so much to grasp in this walk with our Love, so much to obtain in knowledge and depth of insight. It's such a blessing to have the opportunity to also learn from each other! To spread the news of what He is doing, to share, encourage, and uplift one another in Jesus' name.

The question isn't why share?, it's why not?. ;)

"Writer's Anxiety Syndrome"

I have written blog posts so many times in the past where I would whip out everything I was thinking and feeling- good and bad- and flood my words out through a keyboard.

They were let loose, only to be accompanied by second guessing myself, the feeling of nervousness, hasty editing, and anxiety clenching my insides...

"What if someone finds a flaw with what I wrote? What if I said something wrong?

It sounds ridiculous, I know. But I struggle with intense anxiety about pleasing people.
I should write that in past tense, because I'm on my way to kicking this thing right our the door of my brain! And I want to view it as an issue already discarded.

I say this a lot: but it is hard to share your writing. Because it makes you vulnerable. You're handing over a piece of your soul when you hand someone your notebook. Your writing is a reflection of you, and is just as subject to flaws. You don't want people to catch them.

When it comes to blogging for me, there are two probable causes for my past anxiety:

• What I was writing was totally of myself. It was not God-led, and therefore not God-centered, and therefore ultimately not of His will... and my Spirit was trying to tell me that.
• I was allowing myself to worry about what people would think of me for it, rather than caring about what God thought of me for it, letting the enemy whisper Fear into my mind.
  

I am so done with that crummy way of existing!

People pleasing. We all do it to some extent, but to those of us with a high tendency for it, we need to step back and ask ourselves, "Are we serving God, or man? Is the purpose of our actions to make us look good to everyone, or to glorify our Heavenly Father?"

If you choose God, then follow Him with reckless abandon. That's it. Even (and especially!) when it conflicts with man's approval.

And it's a process. A tough one: undoing all your tangled past ways of thinking... this will take a while. But it is worth it.

To know rest.

If I am allowing myself to heed that still small voice, and am being led in my writing by the Lord, then I am going to know His unshakable state of peace. I rest here in His arms, content with His will, His plan, and His perfect timing. 

This is something I know God wants to instill in me. And I want it so badly, too. Peace! The skill to stop worrying. And more specifically, the ability to cease worrying about how others perceive me. 

My focus must be Jesus's gracious acceptance, not man's temporary and fickle acceptance.

That said, I want to be real.

And that's the topic of my next post. :)